Future

I've not posted in a while, so much has changed in my life, for the better or worse. I feel likes it's been completely turned on it's head and I find myself everyday questioning my path and my integrity. For a few years now I've had this recurring thought, of my mother's funeral.. Amidst my our turbulent relationship I am constantly reminded of just how much she means to me and how sad I will be the day that her presence isn't felt on this earth.

Tonight I listened to 'The Fields of Athenry' a song that my mother used to sing to me as a child. This was the first time that I ever cried at a song, I vividly remember my mother comforting me and she told me the story of Michael stealing the bread to keep his family alive during the famine, eventually being caught, shipped off to Australia to never see his family again. This story I instantly related to the thought of loosing my mother forever. This has always haunted me and brought my feet back down to earth. I don't know what I'm going to do the day I wake up and her love on this earth is absent.

I fantasise about the funeral, the proceedings, the people attending, if my father will be present or not and all my relatives gathered round to commemorate her life. I then think what my life will be like by this stage. If the life I have built for myself will be a life that my mother is proud of, one that she can smile upon. A life which she once wished for me as she sang me to sleep with nothing but love, hope and care for her son. I hope by this day I will have the life she has always wished for me and I will be able to be her son, in every way that she ever wished for.

One of those nights.

One of those nights. Where everything that he stands for is brought back. These things affect him in a way that almost paralysis his heart and mind.

'The past two months have been the most significant in my life. I will remember these feelings for the rest of my life.'

One day they will bring him back to this place again. He can only guess the future, but we all know this for certain the path that lies ahead, or at-least the silhouette.

'I can be nothing but grateful for the experiences that I have had. Without these months, I would of still been lost. I won't go in to depth about what I've learnt, but the important thing is that I have.'

This new person takes control and the pilot is no longer himself. He lives by something much stronger than any of us are. We all have it inside us, waiting to be uncovered.

'This is the time that every man waits for, unless the cynics have been before us.'

It's now time to find out what is inside. Find the life you were born to live, find the person that you were born to be, find the true spirit of humanity which lies within every soul. Are you ready?

'Yes'

this song needs a really good title

today I called up my own, just to tell her everything she needs to know,
I'll be there oh I'll try, forever I'll be by your side,


what once was will always be, as we roam through the depths of our history,


one day I'll feel anew, I'll drop everything to be with you,
stories that we told will reside, lost as always with the changing of the tide,


what once was will always be, as we roam through the depths of our history,
thoughts of a love fallen blue, just trying to make us through

Rest

I don't think I have anything more that I can say at this moment.. it's taken me a lot to say what I've said, wish you the best. goodnight

Future

One day I will miss my mum. I will miss my dad. I will miss every person who has touched me throughout my life.

I am ever indebted to these people eternally. why now? who knows. someone must. I can't thank my loved ones enough for making me who I am today, and I hope as much as anything else they will always be there for me, on this earth and even from the grave... I love you all.

Reading and watching the stories of Daniel Johnston's life. No-one has it more right than that man. He just conveys what every single one of us has been striving to convey all our lives... without any of the bullshit that we enshroud ourselves with. We all spend hours and years trying to shine light on that tiny bit of darkness that has been drowning us, through any means that we can lay our hands on. facebook? blogger? diary? paintings? melodies? hidden thoughts that we will never share with anyone? the way in which you brush your teeth?

We let things interfere with that connection, nothing is more pure and from the heart than his words...

"Don’t be sad, I know you will, but don’t give up until, true love finds you in the end"

Waking Heart

It's now 5am. Friday morning.

My mind has been unraveling all night long. Dreaming on things that might become. All I know is that I know what is true, i know what to stand for. Just doubting myself that I will have the strength to stand for it when the time is right. I hold many things dear to my heart, a lot of things a lot closer than any man would ever dream of. I allow things to reach to me and touch the very surface of my soul, is this sense a burden or a blessing. Is time on my side or am I climbing for the non existent peak that I will never find...

I just want the world to know, if I ever destroy what I've so delicately built, I am forever sorry. I'm just trying, after all trying is all what we can do.

I never want to be angry, I never want to let fear control me, I never wish to crush another. Sadness will come, it will come. It is a part of life, a part of what makes us us. Embrace it, learn, don't look on those times with negativity and curse all sadness that it should never happen and if it does something is wrong. You are very wrong. Take those things near, hold them, but don't let them overpower you in a way that ends up destroying your entire being.

Learn the power of love. There is nothing that I hold in a higher respect than love. I am hypocritical of my own words, but I know that I will always always come back to this, my inner being. Nothing or no-one will ever take this from me. So please just know that in all my life, I've tried... to love.

True Adventures

'Turgid calls the winter charge
True adventures of awaking hearts
Nights are overwhelmed by gloom
We will see foxes in the moon

Valleys drop, mountains rise
Lift your head, brave the skies
All of the forgotten names
Lakes are forming on the pockets of your brain

And there in the distant glow
A shadow on shadow
At once so strong and weak
In the sunken lines they speak

You think it's gone, my friend
But it comes back again

Senescence or senility
How long until you sleep?
Discarded for all it's worth
Now it's quiet under this fresh earth

Valleys drop, mountains rise
Lift your head, brave the skies

You think it's gone, my friend
But it comes back again

And there is a final cry
A whimper and a sigh
And what was fast is slow
And what was brass is gold

Valleys drop, mountains rise
Lift your head, brave the skies

You think it's gone, my friend
But it comes back again'

These words will haunt me, lift me and end me