Future

I've not posted in a while, so much has changed in my life, for the better or worse. I feel likes it's been completely turned on it's head and I find myself everyday questioning my path and my integrity. For a few years now I've had this recurring thought, of my mother's funeral.. Amidst my our turbulent relationship I am constantly reminded of just how much she means to me and how sad I will be the day that her presence isn't felt on this earth.

Tonight I listened to 'The Fields of Athenry' a song that my mother used to sing to me as a child. This was the first time that I ever cried at a song, I vividly remember my mother comforting me and she told me the story of Michael stealing the bread to keep his family alive during the famine, eventually being caught, shipped off to Australia to never see his family again. This story I instantly related to the thought of loosing my mother forever. This has always haunted me and brought my feet back down to earth. I don't know what I'm going to do the day I wake up and her love on this earth is absent.

I fantasise about the funeral, the proceedings, the people attending, if my father will be present or not and all my relatives gathered round to commemorate her life. I then think what my life will be like by this stage. If the life I have built for myself will be a life that my mother is proud of, one that she can smile upon. A life which she once wished for me as she sang me to sleep with nothing but love, hope and care for her son. I hope by this day I will have the life she has always wished for me and I will be able to be her son, in every way that she ever wished for.

this song needs a really good title

today I called up my own, just to tell her everything she needs to know,
I'll be there oh I'll try, forever I'll be by your side,


what once was will always be, as we roam through the depths of our history,


one day I'll feel anew, I'll drop everything to be with you,
stories that we told will reside, lost as always with the changing of the tide,


what once was will always be, as we roam through the depths of our history,
thoughts of a love fallen blue, just trying to make us through

Waking Heart

It's now 5am. Friday morning.

My mind has been unraveling all night long. Dreaming on things that might become. All I know is that I know what is true, i know what to stand for. Just doubting myself that I will have the strength to stand for it when the time is right. I hold many things dear to my heart, a lot of things a lot closer than any man would ever dream of. I allow things to reach to me and touch the very surface of my soul, is this sense a burden or a blessing. Is time on my side or am I climbing for the non existent peak that I will never find...

I just want the world to know, if I ever destroy what I've so delicately built, I am forever sorry. I'm just trying, after all trying is all what we can do.

I never want to be angry, I never want to let fear control me, I never wish to crush another. Sadness will come, it will come. It is a part of life, a part of what makes us us. Embrace it, learn, don't look on those times with negativity and curse all sadness that it should never happen and if it does something is wrong. You are very wrong. Take those things near, hold them, but don't let them overpower you in a way that ends up destroying your entire being.

Learn the power of love. There is nothing that I hold in a higher respect than love. I am hypocritical of my own words, but I know that I will always always come back to this, my inner being. Nothing or no-one will ever take this from me. So please just know that in all my life, I've tried... to love.