Wednesday 7 March 2012

Future

I've not posted in a while, so much has changed in my life, for the better or worse. I feel likes it's been completely turned on it's head and I find myself everyday questioning my path and my integrity. For a few years now I've had this recurring thought, of my mother's funeral.. Amidst my our turbulent relationship I am constantly reminded of just how much she means to me and how sad I will be the day that her presence isn't felt on this earth.

Tonight I listened to 'The Fields of Athenry' a song that my mother used to sing to me as a child. This was the first time that I ever cried at a song, I vividly remember my mother comforting me and she told me the story of Michael stealing the bread to keep his family alive during the famine, eventually being caught, shipped off to Australia to never see his family again. This story I instantly related to the thought of loosing my mother forever. This has always haunted me and brought my feet back down to earth. I don't know what I'm going to do the day I wake up and her love on this earth is absent.

I fantasise about the funeral, the proceedings, the people attending, if my father will be present or not and all my relatives gathered round to commemorate her life. I then think what my life will be like by this stage. If the life I have built for myself will be a life that my mother is proud of, one that she can smile upon. A life which she once wished for me as she sang me to sleep with nothing but love, hope and care for her son. I hope by this day I will have the life she has always wished for me and I will be able to be her son, in every way that she ever wished for.

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